Reflections....

I left the rat race at 25. I was an Administrative Assistant/ Receptionist at an up and coming Software Development company. At that time we just made the move from living in Valenzuela to our own house in Bulacan. NLEX was still being constructed. Daily commute for me is at least 2 hours in the morning and 1 to 1 1/2 hours a night. I was active in a Prayer Community, majority of my office mates are single and earning double of my take home pay. I don't know which pushed me to the brink, the lack of sleep and long commute or the fact that I was frustrated by the obvious discrepancy my office mate's salary to mine (I was a clerk they are software developers and programmers hence the discrepancy!). Before I knew it, I was sliding back on my work, is always lethargic and for some reason just want OUT. So out I went in a very dramatic manner. Thinking about it now, I should have been more cautious of my actions. Lucky for me, the management sort of let me go easily.

It was followed by a year of frustrating job hunting. The fact that I was practically living in the province didn't help at all. For some reason, I never had the urged to move out and seek greener pasture. During that period the elder sister got married and moved to the US with her husband, while the younger sister graduated from college and thereafter started job hunting. Ever the independent one, she was the only one who actually moved out and rented an apartment close to where she works. I was still in limbo, until my mother asked me what I want and I said I wanted to try my hand at having a business. She managed to cajole my elder sister into giving me start up money. It was a family project, the only thing I did was research and do the leg work.

The early years where OK, but come the fourth year, we started hitting bumps and misses that is becoming more and more difficult to recover from. Before I knew it I was deep in debt, the business was losing money and I was losing my self esteem. It didn't help that I was fighting a silent war with depression and the fact that I was close to having a verbal fight with my landlady who thinks that I am an ATM machine where she could withdraw money even though the rent is not due yet . There are weeks when she would come to me DAILY to ask for an advance in my rent and stupid me just gives in!!!

Again I found myself wanting out and OUT I WENT!!! I sold the shop and took a break.

Now I am back to square one, older but hopefully wiser. I still want to have my own business but start up money is once again a problem. I have little in terms of personal savings and after a year of not having any income at all, that too is fast disappearing. I am making tentative moves to going back to work because I know I will soon die of boredom due to inactivity. I have applied for a couple of part time home based work and I am already training for two of them and is hoping that I would be accepted to at least one. The online business are slowly being revitalized, starting with our multiply account being redone by professionals (yeah, no more free template for us there!!!) I am just waiting for the final design to be finished before start working on the write ups.

The 10 months of rest I took has done me some good I think....(the fast disappearing bank account not counted!). I have kicked DEPRESSION out the door permanently and hopefully I have kicked it strong enough that it will not find its way back to me.

What have a I learned from all of this?..... that after falling.......you just have to learn to pick up yourself...that God is there but there is nothing He could do if you yourself does not want things to happen. :-)

I'm back to square one and is RARING to BEGIN AGAIN!!!

Midnight Musings on a Friday Night!

It's 12:37 AM, January 23, 2010....and I am still awake...blogging & surfing the net. Not healthy!!! I know..... I myself don't know why I am fighting off sleep.

This days.......I feel like I am sick half the time....tomorrow I will hopefully get the medical test I should have taken a week ago. Hopefully everything will be fine....

I've also been spending the past 3 days job hunting....I know what I want is my own business...but real life has reared it's ugly head to remind me that I have needs that can't wait. I'm not giving up yet. Hopefully I will find a part time gig that will provide me the extra cash that will tide me over until I figure out the direction I want to take. A home based full time job would be nice though.

Am I being too choosy? or I am already at that point where money is already secondary to my own personal satisfaction and general well being. I guess its the latter. After what I went through with my last business, I realized that peace of mind has no price tag. Unfortunately, there are bills that needs to be paid and retirement plans that need to be made (nest egg and all!) so yeah for now am job hunting.

BTW, our multiply site is going undergo a major facelift very soon!!! I'm so excited!!!!...and the garden is doing well....and just the other day I harvested my 3rd batch of mushrooms!!!... yeah life is good.... :D

Drawbacks of living alone.....

one of the drawbacks of living alone.....when your sick.............no one is there to make you feel better.............or clean up the mess you made .............after forcing yourself to throw up...*sigh* at least I feel better now...I think its either hyper acidity or I accidentally poisoned myself!

questions, retrospection, wild dreams, sober reality

Sometimes I feel that my life is on a standstill. Waiting for something to happen. My question is WHAT? (never mind the WHY I've stopped wondering a long time ago!)

I had a "super kilig" dream yesterday. It makes me blush just thinking about it. I wish it could happen in real life. But if it does happen, I would be committing a sin....that's not something to blush about.....oh well...at least dreams are safe haven to let our fantasies go wild!

A Mushroom Story

It started last December while I was contemplating the coming of a new year and what I want to do next. At around the same time I decided to give vegetable gardening another try. Since I am a true blue computer potato (I am now adopting this nickname!!!) I spent hours doing research online before I actually picked up the spade to start tilling the soil. While I was at it (the online research) I keep on seeing articles and websites regarding mushroom farming. Before I knew it I was spending more and more time researching about it. So, finally a few days after New Year, I went to Manila and bought my very first grow bags. One of them was mature enough that it start fruiting the day after I purchased them.

Taken morning of Day 1






Taken around mid afternoon


Taken before I went to bed

Day 2

Taken in the morning


Mid afternoon


Around midnight


3rd Day

I panicked a little when I saw that my mushrooms barely grew any bigger than it was last night and the stems are turning brown so I decided....it's time...to harvest it now :D

Right after I cut it off from the grow bag. Not pretty to look at and it felt leathery to the touch.


After washing it 3 times in tap water. The browning of the stems kinda disappeared and the color changed to pasty white and its does not feel as leathery.


Cooked it in garlic and butter:


Verdict: It's hard to describe..... there's a hint of sweetness but not like the sweetness of sugar, the texture was soft but not mushy. Do I like it? ..... I LOVE IT!!!! Totally incomparable to canned and store bought mushrooms I've eaten before. It was simply divine!

What do you want to do?

I've been asked this question numerous times by both sisters. They both have thriving careers, one is married with 3 wonderful kids and the other one is married but have no kids yet. I am single and with no real plans of getting married or having kids. At some point in my life, I wanted the same, a husband, kids, a thriving business. But somewhere along the way my drive to stabilize a business that keeps spiraling out of control made me forget that ....yeah I want to get married too!!! and have kids and grow fat and old with the ONE.

I did grow old (my college friends insist I did not age a day since the day we graduated...Bless Them...lol!) and fat, not because of husband and kids but because I just stopped trying to please other people's ideal and started caring more about what I want for myself. The weight gain was due to my constant sitting in front of the computer while drinking coffee and sometimes eating cakes or pastries on the side. For this I will never apologize to anybody not even to myself. I love my coffee....and my chocolates....and the time I spent online....and I love me. My love handles will be here to stay until I decide I don't want them anymore.

But this post is not about my love handles (they will someday have a post of their own someday). It's about doing what I want and why I want to do it. You see, while both sisters has been giving me hints here and there for me to start THINKING ABOUT FINDING A REAL JOB (for those that don't know, I used to own an internet cafe which I sold last year) I was busy reading about gardening, growing mushrooms and composting. Yeah, me a computer potato (that term does not exist yet I think....and let me claim I made that one up!) who hates being under the sun, is thinking about gardening full time! The elder does not know yet, the younger one thinks its a passing hobby. I on the other hand is actually thinking of starting a new business that would have something to do with growing things, getting dirty, feeding worms and spending time under the sun. Well the "working under the sun" thing is negotiable because I still hate going out when the sun is out and shining brightly.

No I am not going to be a farmer ( a market gardener is a more apt title I think) . Something that will give me a chance to give back to the earth while doing something that makes me happy. I might need to work part time for the next few years or dabble in other business to support myself. But I think......I think for the first time in my life....I am on the right track!!!

How about you....what do you want to do?

P.S; I think I will start with the mushrooms and grow from there. Its more doable for a start up business and I have no extra hands to help me anyway. But the garden will definitely happen (I'm starting to slowly populate my sister's plot of land with organic edibles). I just don't know if I will do it as a hobby or go all the way selling organic produce. As for the other businesses I co-own now. They will stay and hopefully thrive as I slowly dip my not so dainty little feet on running a business once again.

p.s again (date edited 5/6/10) I felt so confident yesterday....but today I felt scared...what if this is another stupid mistake?

GMH

a very inspiring website to visit.: http://www.givesmehope.com/?page=20